I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
