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I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
