Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
