she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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