i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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