my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
