They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
