It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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