The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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