Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
