So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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