I CAN MOONWALK!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
