she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
