I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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