Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
