Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
