Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
