there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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