I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
40s are totally the cure
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
