genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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