I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
