Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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