I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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