The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
