I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
