It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
