I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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