Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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