There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
