these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
