Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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