he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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