I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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