a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
