Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
