i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
