I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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