Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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