dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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