I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
