You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
