I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
