I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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