Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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