im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
