so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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