i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
