East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
