it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
