I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
