i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
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Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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