my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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