I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
