pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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