At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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