apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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