I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
