I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
