If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She bit a glass in half.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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