Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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