dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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